Chapter 30

Day 139

Today was Cambria's first day of school. Despite my late night, I managed to awaken early enough to make pancakes for everyone. 

Empty cake plate on the table, what have those gnomes been up to?

It was a school day for the kids and a work day for Matt, so they were racing out the door right after breakfast.

Teddy bear gnome sitting on his ass in the snow.

Not quite sure what Matt is doing at work today?

Cambria looks so little on that school bus!

First order of my day was to take care of my sweet Keely. She is looking so tired and gray these days. I love this horse!

My Miska is old and gray too. She needed a bath today.

Then it was time for toddler training with Bella.

Before I knew it, everyone was arriving home from school and work.

Honey, I'm home!

Cambria spent some quality time with her dad, while I started getting ready for Colton's party.

Just once I would like to be invited to a fun party. When we arrived at Colton's there were scarcely any guests, no food being served and there wasn't any music to dance to. Cody and Dakota were nowhere in sight. We stayed only a short time before Matt suggested we go to the Safari Lounge instead.

We were starving by the time we arrived there. I noshed on some shrimp cocktail and then danced with my man.

Then we headed for home, it was getting pretty late for a couple of tired and busy parents.

While smooching my lover in the front yard, I realized something was going on in the barnyard.

Death had come for Keely.

~*~*~*~*~*

The Rainbow Bridge

inspired by a Norse legend

By the edge of a woods, at the foot of a hill,

Is a lush, green meadow where time stands still.

Where the friends of man and woman do run,

When their time on earth is over and done.

For here, between this world and the next,

Is a place where each beloved creature finds rest.

On this golden land, they wait and they play,

Till the Rainbow Bridge they cross over one day.

No more do they suffer, in pain or in sadness,

For here they are whole, their lives filled with gladness.

Their limbs are restored, their health renewed,

Their bodies have healed, with strength imbued.

They romp through the grass, without even a care,

Until one day they start, and sniff at the air.

All ears prick forward, eyes dart front and back,

Then all of a sudden, one breaks from the pack.

For just at that instant, their eyes have met;

Together again, both person and pet.

So they run to each other, these friends from long past,

The time of their parting is over at last.

The sadness they felt while they were apart,

Has turned into joy once more in each heart.

They embrace with a love that will last forever,

And then, side-by-side, they cross over… together.

© 1998 Steve and Diane Bodofsky

Day 140 

Today started out so routine. But then again, most days do. We never see it coming. We don't wake up in the morning thinking that this is the day when we are going to be blindsided by life.

Pony party?

LEDs, CFLs or Incandescents? Where do you stand, Perry?

"Don't forget your homework."

"Do you have the permission slip for your field trip?"

"I have an extra assignment and have to work late tonight, don't hold dinner for me"

"I'm late already."

Hurry, before the bus leaves us."

And then they are all out the door. And you didn't take the time to look anyone in the eye, hold their face in your hands or tell them you love them with every fiber of your being. We take for granted the time we have together. We always think there will be more of it. But one day there isn't...

Daddy is a policeman. He catches the bad guys and protects us.

Dixie Dust misses her momma.

Did you have a good day at school?

I was thinking about teal and silver for the wedding. What color of dress do you want, Cambria?

And then it happens. You realize you have taken too much for granted. You realize that trusting in happiness was a mistake. You realize that amidst the beauty and joy there are intense moments of pain that will crush you to your core.

You receive a unwanted phone call.

There has been an incident.

Come right away, before it is too late.

And then you are shaking, running and you can't think straight. Why are the cars in front of you going so slow? Is this really happening? 

You hoped it was a mistake. It couldn't be true. But it is there in front of you.

"We are waiting for the results of one more test. This doesn't look good, barring a miracle..."

And so you wait, wondering how time can be racing by so fast and ticking by so slow at the same time...

Sometimes miracles do not occur. Sometimes prayers aren't answered. And sometimes you don't want to hear what is being said.

The life-sustaining machines are turned off.

And you stare horrified as his body fights a losing battle, his heart is racing so fast and his lungs gasping for air. You stare mesmerized at the monitors willing your beloved not to lose the battle. The nurse turns the monitors off and gently admonishes you to not think about them. You should talk to him. Tell him it's going to be okay. Tell him how much you love him. It is time to say good-bye.

And below your head and under your hands his heart falters and slows and with an exhale he is gone.

Death has crossed your threshold and ripped your heart from your chest.

It doesn't matter that he is supposed to be in a better place now. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. You had plans with him. You had a lifetime ahead with your beloved. But in just minutes dreams are shattered and hope dies.

As I stood outside the hospital stunned and numb, a man walked up to me. He introduced himself as Drake Monroe. He would be investigating Matthew's death. Friendly fire they call it; there is nothing friendly about it. Matthew just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. A simple little error shouldn't have such devastating consequences, but it can.

"If there is anything we can do for you..." I lost my composure and Mr. Monroe tried to comfort me. He offered to drive me home, but I declined. I wanted to be alone. I needed to think about how I was going to break the news to Cambria that her daddy wasn't coming home.

The drive home was a blur. It took forever, but I was home before I was ready to face anyone.

Cambria didn't want to believe me

"NO! You're lying!"

And somehow it seemed even worse when Miska began to howl and mourn.

Can I sleep with you tonight, Mommy?

But sleep did not come easily to me tonight.

I cannot fathom opening up my heart to anyone ever again. I will always love you, Matthew Paseiko. You have taken my heart with you.

Day 141

 How is it that the sun still comes up?

The birds still sing and the world still turns, oblivious to our pain. Life keeps going on, even if your heart has shattered into a million pieces. 

Cambria woke me up with her sobbing. It kills me that I can't fix this for her.

Poor Miska had to come begging for food. No one remembered to feed her yesterday.

The school counselor advised me to send the kids to school. They could meet with the counselor and I would have the peace and quiet to make the funeral arrangements for this evening. Perry, bless his heart, even did the dishes for me this morning.

I felt like I was in a fog all day. I went through the motions the best I could, but my heart and mind wasn't in it. I completed Miska's portrait and continued teaching Isabella to talk. Tomorrow will be her birthday and her daddy won't be there to see her grow up to a big girl. She is so young; will she even remember him?

The day flew by and then my older sons were at the house. It was time to go to the graveside service.

My terminally shy son, Preston, stood up and read a poem to us.


All is Well

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I, and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me and if you want to, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect,
Without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was;
There is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you,
For an interval,
Somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.
All is well.


by Henry Scott-Holland.

Detective Monroe stopped by to pay his respects. He informed me that Matthew had taken out a life insurance policy. I am not a rich women by any means, but my bank account has never looked healthier. I would give up every single simoleon to have Matthew back again.

Our lives change with every breath we take. The normal little things we do can seem so insignificant until we are unable to enjoy them anymore. It is frightening to realize how little control we have over our future. But we can't dwell on this, because we are still alive. We cannot allow the despair we feel to consume our soul. Amidst all the pain, we have to reach out. We have to struggle and grasp the moments of joy. The sun still rises, flowers still bloom and babies still laugh. While we mourn what is gone, we forge ahead seeking a new normal.

Everyone speaks of life and death as if they are opposites, But they aren't really. Birth is the opposite of death. Life has no opposite. Life is eternal. Matthew may not be physically present with us anymore. But he hasn't ceased to exist. And we will cherish the memories we have with him to the end of our days.