Chapter 31

Day 142

The passing of time tempers the white-hot grief we feel about losing someone we love. It is a slow process and on occasions we still experience the intense anguish of our loss. At first, we simply attempt to go through the motions, hoping and trusting that one day the pain and tears will lessen. And slowly we will begin to feel alive again.

Miska came and woke me up far too early. She smelled like she had been rolling around in a dirty barn stall. 

I had much to fill my day with. Laundry was piled up everywhere and I needed to teach Isabella to walk before her birthday celebration this evening.

I repaired our broken computer. My Handiness Level is now a 10.

Then it was time for my Bella's birthday. Oh, how I wish Matt was here to celebrate with us. Isabella aged up with the new trait: Vegetarian. This is a new one for me. I need to learn some new recipes now.

I have spent almost my entire life sleeping alone. I should be used to it, but now it just feels so damned lonely.

Day 143

We still miss Matthew, but the sharp ache in our hearts has eased a bit. Rather than weeping at the simple mention of his name, we can recall with laughter the good times we shared with him. While I am absolutely certain that Matthew took a piece of my heart with him, I have children that need joyful moments in their lives. Isn't that how we truly honor our missed loved ones, by living life to the fullest?

Isabella's first day of school.

I finally completed upgrading one of the sprinklers to auto-water.

Perry, Preston and Cambria made the honor roll. What to go, guys! We celebrated Perry's birthday first. He aged up with the trait: Artistic. His Lifetime Wish is to be a Master of the Arts.

Next up was Preston. His new trait is: Commitment Issues. And his Lifetime Wish is to be a Master Romancer. Well, I guess they pretty much go hand in hand.

Out in the barnyard, Dixie Dust had a birthday. She is now an elder horse.

Day 144

I finally feel well rested enough to get up early. I made breakfast for my graduates and their younger sisters.

I call shotgun!

Perry graduated with highest honor and was voted "Most Artistic" by his classmates. He has decided to try for a business career.

Preston graduated with highest honor and was voted "Most likely to burn down his own house" by his classmates. Despite his shyness, he plans on seeking a part-time job in film.

They are both moving in with their older brothers. I said my traditional good-bye with them in front of city hall.

With some of Matthew's life insurance money, I traded in my old jeep for a white crew cab. Afterwards, I took my girls out to see a movie.

I painted awhile on my tribute to Keely, while I was waiting for Charlotte Gamble's party to start. I felt ready to get out and socialize with some other adults.

I actually enjoyed myself at the party. There was food, music and lively conversation to enjoy. I managed to raise my Charisma skill to a 9. 

Day 145

Simple days are the best. Taking the time to relax, putter around the house and enjoy the company of your family is an absolute delight.

I stopped by city hall to report that I had completed a charisma challenge and collect my $1000. Afterward I stopped by the park and sat for awhile on the bench that Matt was sitting on when I first saw him. While the searing pain I felt at his death has lessened, I still miss him terribly. I am aware that losing him has caused me to raise barriers around my heart. I can't fathom loving anyone else like I loved him. I don't even want to try.

Next I headed for the consignment shop to consign a few items and chat with Charlotte. I was very surprised to discover that she doesn't work there anymore; she hadn't mention that at her party.

After I consigned a few small items, I wandered upstairs to see what was available for sale. I was floored when I ran into Detective Drake Monroe.

Detective Monroe pleasantly inquired about me and my children. After engaging in some small talk, he quietly told me that he needed to talk to me about Matthew's case. But he would like to go somewhere where we could speak privately. The only two places I could think of was the karaoke bar or the lounge. I didn't want to go into either one of them but I reluctantly agreed to meet him at the lounge. I consider that to be the less painful option.

I slipped home to change into something more appropriate. I just couldn't bear walking in there looking like I was on a man hunt; I decided to forgo any hot momma dresses and instead wore my generic staid black dress. I arrived before Detective Monroe and headed straight for the bar to try and steady my nerves. Since my nerves were quite unsteady, I asked for a double.

When Detective Monroe showed up he wanted to talk over a game of pool. At that point I decided I didn't like him very much; he was churning up too many painful memories.

Detective Monroe told me that the officer that had "accidentally' shot Matt was now dead. This man's death appeared to be a suicide. But there were some things that looked suspicious to Detective Monroe. A large sum of money had been deposited in this man's account the day after Matthew had been shot. Detective Monroe was quietly looking into this. This news sent me reeling. It's hard to say if it was the news alone or the drink I had just consumed. We both walked back over to the bar where he ordered a shrimp cocktail and a drink. I ordered another drink and made it a double again.

I had just enough sense to know that I was wasted and shouldn't even think of driving home. Detective Monroe walked me downstairs, probably to keep me from talking a header down them. I tried to carry on a conversation with him downstairs but probably just made a fool of myself.

I became cognitive of the fact that I should get the hell out of there before I did or said anything stupid. But instead of doing the smart thing and wobbling away, I grabbed him and kissed him.

If he had pushed me away or had fetid breath, I could have easily walked away. But no, the man could kiss like a house on fire. I felt it all the way down to my toes. So naturally I had to prove that drunken stupidity has no limits. I very quickly found myself down in the basement in the shower with my back plastered against the shower wall.

Afterwards, I was filled with buyer's remorse. I mumbled something inane and stumbled out of the lounge to catch a cab.

Walking into my bedroom at home, I caught sight of the photo booth pictures that Matt and I had taken. His eyes looked reproachful in the dark and I swear that I could hear his voice asking, "What the hell are you doing, Charlotte?" What was I doing? I know Matt would want me to be happy and live a full life, even move on with my heart. What I did tonight was none of those things. I felt filled with regret and shame.

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Random Miska cuteness.